I wanted to thank Rori for guest posting this today for us. I recently got clobbered in a "friends with benefits" relationship, one in which it was insisted I keep secret, so I really have had to deal with all of the situation alone. It was painful, because as a woman and although I did not love the man, I became emotionally attached. I had myself believing the friendship part was real, because he had truly become my best friend. Which later proved to be quite unfortunate for me.
When he ended the sex, he drastically cut off most of the friendship as well and became distant and somewhat secretive. I found myself without my lover and without one of my best friends, feeling very lonely and very confused. Needless to say, I am still suffering the fallout of this, but thanks to people like Rori, I am finding my way.
Friends With Benefits...But Who Really Benefits?
If you're afraid of losing a man because you won't agree to a "friends with benefits" type of arrangement, I've got news for you: you've already lost him. And if you do agree to sex without exclusivity, the only thing you will lose - the thing that really matters - is yourself. It can be even worse for you if the relationship is secret and you are alone.
That's a terrible place to be and one I would never wish for you. I know, because I've been there - until I raised my self esteem.
There are a lot of reasons why a man would want to have a "friends with benefits" arrangement with you - and I say arrangement, because you're fooling yourself if you think this is a real relationship.
Some men don't need more than such an arrangement with you. There may not be another woman. There may be many other women. There may not be another woman for years. Makes no difference. He may never be into any woman. He may frequent prostitutes for all you know. Every time you sleep with him you are physically endangering yourself (I hope you're using condoms).
Either way, the truth is that - just like the movie says - he's not into you. This might be painful to hear at first, but what will cause you even more misery is sticking with such a situation. Here's how to break free:
DROP HIM FROM YOUR LIFE IMMEDIATELY
That means no contact whatsoever. And that includes no "bumping into him" at places you both go to like the gym. Join another gym or take up a new sport - you never know what kind of great new men you'll meet there.
BE VERY STRONG WHEN HE PROTESTS
And he will. A man like this will up his ante the minute you back off. He will show up at your doorstep. He will call you. He will try to belittle you, he will call you crazy, he will get angry, he will try to make your life a hell until you start sleeping with him again and being his friend.
You're going to have to be very, very strong and tell him this:
"I feel so bad, so vulnerable, so lost and sad. I feel like I haven't taken care of myself. I can't handle seeing you. It feels too bad. I can't be your friend, and I don't want to be your friend until I no longer feel attached to you. So please don't call me again, or come over."
If he doesn't get the message and you feel threatened in any way, you must call the police.
I know this is going to be very hard for you, but you can do it. The reason why it's so difficult is because when we're involved with a man like this, he becomes an addiction. So you have to treat him like any other drug - stay away from him. Yes, you'll feel miserable at first. But you must do everything you can to stay focused on yourself, your friends, and your life.
This means I'm going to ask you to do something you'll probably wince at. I want you to date a lot of men. That's right.
GET OUT THERE AND DATE
Every time a single man even looks at you kindly, I want you to smile back at him. I want you to take every invitation you get to anywhere. I want you out of the house and in the company of some man.
I want you to experience what it feels like to be with a man who is not like a drug. Yeah, maybe a boring man, maybe a quiet man, maybe a not-so-sexy man, maybe a man you can't or won't fall in love with. Regardless, get out there and see that there are men out there that want you for more than just sex. They want all of you! The point is to raise your self-esteem so you do realize you are worth much more than a "friends with benefits" scenario.
When this happens, I can guarantee you'll wonder what you ever saw in your "friend with benefits" in the first place. You'll be too busy living your life - and being wooed by great men who want a real relationship with you - to notice.
In her Have The Relationship You Want eBook, Rori Raye teaches any woman the secret of how to quickly stop the pain and frustration in her love life and get exactly the romance, affection, attention and love she really wants (and deserves!). Visithttp://blog.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com for her powerful, free Relationship Advice eLetter, plus tips and help you can't get anywhere else.